to which we have lost
by dezel
Summary: Colette has nightmares sometimes. [spoilers]


Colette has nightmares sometimes, not that she would let _anyone_ know because she doesn't want to trouble them. She isn't sure when they started, and she isn't sure when they will stop. Late at night, when all is quiet and peaceful, her mind is going a million miles a minute and her heart feels like it's going to burst from her chest.

Sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't.

The world feels different, and she can't place her finger on why. It isn't the obvious changes for the future, where there won't be anymore sacrifices to keep one world alive by draining the other, no more sixteen year old's to go off to their deaths. It's not _that_ different, it's something else. Prickling beneath her skin, a sudden noise that causes her to jump or a momentary flash to a time where she felt _helpless_ and everything was out of her control.

Colette doesn't like that difference, she doesn't like the heavy weight in her chest or the tears that come sometime in the night. She doesn't want to burden people anymore with her problems, but they pile up inside of her. She did confide in Raine one day about some of her feelings, and she's told that's normal and it should go away as time goes on. After all, time mends everything.

People around her treat her differently, they look at her with smiles. She's regarded as a hero, and not a sheep that was sent off to die. Yet, they still look upon her as clumsy Colette. Sweet, gentle Colette who could never hurt a fly, sweet and gentle Colette who had to watch her friends _almost die._

She doesn't know why she's chucking stones at Lloyd's window late at night, when the stars are glittering in the sky and the moon is bright, the air calm. She doesn't know why she's shaking or what brought her out here. All she knows is she craves to be around someone, maybe be reassured it's all over now and everyone is happy.

Maybe be hugged and talk and laugh.

Lloyd finally drags himself out onto the terrace, and peers down at her with sleepy eyes and a slumped over body. "Come on up," He says, between yawns. The wooden stairs creak beneath her feet, but she joins him up there. "What brings you here late at night?"

Colette shrugs and smiles. "I couldn't sleep! Genis and Professor aren't here, so..." she trails off. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be bothering you."

"Nah, don't be. I wasn't sleeping anyways." It's a lie, they both know it's a lie but he's saying it to make her feel better. He wraps an arm around her shoulders. "'sides, you're my friend. I should be here for you!"

That doesn't really make her feel better, but it does soften the ache a little bit. Without thinking, she leans against him and closes her eyes for a brief moment. "I miss them."

"Me too."

"Do you think Kratos is happy, where he is?"

"I dunno. Maybe."

Colette leans in closer, feeling the warmth radiating from his body. It feels so strange, as it feels not that long ago, she could never have been able to do that. He smells like typical teenage boy, sweat and somehow, like grass after the rain.

"We should have a get together," Colette decides. "Send out letters to everyone. Go camping. It can be like when we were traveling."

"Except this time, we won't have to worry about losing you." Lloyd jokingly says.

"I'm sorry." It's reflexive. "I didn't mean to make everyone worry." Lloyd winces, realizing just how poor he is with tact.

He reaches up and messes with her long, blonde hair. "Don't be. I was joking."

Colette smiles, it's only a little smile but it's there. It isn't genuine, but somewhere within the past few months, she had stopped being _genuine_ and started being _automatic_. "O-of course!" she forces out. Lloyd gives her a strange look, a mix between curiosity and worry so he pulls her into a side hug.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes."

"Liar." He pulls away and moves so they're facing each other, resting one hand on her shoulder and pokes her on the nose. "What's wrong?"

It's the question she doesn't know how to answer, and it breaks the dam with lip quivering and eyes watering. Colette latches onto Lloyd for what feels like dear life as a mountain of tears gush forward, heavy sobs wracking her body. Her fingers dig into his shoulders as she buries her face into her chest.

The way their words come crashing down, it's almost instantaneous and Lloyd doesn't know what to think. He feels almost as lost as she does now, his best friend crying and he doesn't know what to do. The Professor would, Zelos would, Genis would. _Everyone else_ would know what to do or say to comfort Colette, but he doesn't. Lloyd awkwardly rubs her back and runs his hand through her long hair as he feels her body tremble in his arms.

 _Had she been holding this all back?_ Guilt tugs at his heart, sharply and his lungs lurch into his throat as he hugs her. How could he have been so _blind_? He'd promised her that he'd protect her, no matter what and yet, here she is.

It's almost dawn when he realizes that she had fallen asleep, sniffling every so often. Lloyd doesn't loosen his grip, not even once, even as he somehow dozes off himself.

For once, the nightmares aren't as bad.


End file.
